


it is a fearful thing to love

by alljuststars (allthelight)



Category: Gallagher Girls Series - Ally Carter
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Joe and Matt brotp, Light Angst, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:00:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24688033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthelight/pseuds/alljuststars
Summary: Not a lot scares Matthew Morgan. Or not a lot used to scare him. Now he has a wife and daughter and has a thousand new fears that scare him very, very much.Three year old Cammie has an accident, and Matthew Morgan has a mild parenting crisis that Joe Solomon helps him through.
Relationships: Matthew Morgan & Joeseph "Joe" Solomon, Matthew Morgan/Rachel Morgan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	it is a fearful thing to love

**Author's Note:**

> Do you know how sometimes you just get those ideas that won't leave you alone so you have to write them? And then if you have to write them then you want to share them? That's this. It basically comes from the thing that Solomon said in OSOT when he said that death was the only thing that could keep Matt from Cammie was death and it just gave me many feelings. 
> 
> (I also haven't been able to stop writing this fandom lately and may or may not have two finished Abby/Townsend fics to post at some point)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Not a lot scares Matthew Morgan. Or not a lot _used_ to scare him. He’s a highly trained CIA operative that can disarm a bomb at breakfast and rappel off the side of a building during lunch. Once he crossed a river filled with piranhas using stilts when he was only wearing sandals on his feet. Another time he had to go undercover as the second half of a knife-throwing double act with someone who had failed their knife proficiency test five times. Fear is something that occurs to him only after the fact, and is usually a feeling that can easily be dispelled by a bar of chocolate or something with an equally high sugar content. It’s only afterwards he realises how scared he was.

It’s not so now, and he resents his former self for being so cocky. Rather a lot scares him, but it’s got nothing to do with him and everything do with his wife and daughter. Marrying Rachel was one thing, and he’s afraid for her (and sometimes _of_ her) but it’s manageable because he knows her and he knows how amazingly talented she is and how she can take her of herself. But Cam? Cam’s something entirely different, and ever since she was born, he has acquired over a thousand new fears, and every single one is to do with her.

Even loving her terrifies him. It’s the best thing in the world but it pinches his heart and sometimes in the middle of the night he can’t breathe because of it. The only thing that makes it okay is slipping into her room and watching her sleep until the sun comes up.

It’s not okay at this minute though, as he jumps from the car, dirty and dishevelled, his hair too long and sunburn on his nose. His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he runs into the hospital, not even bothering to check his tail, not even caring about it right now. He doesn’t bother going to the desk and asking – he already knows exactly where she is – and instead takes the stairs two at a time (the elevator is far too slow) to her room.

Matt’s panting hard, and not just from the exertion. Fear squeezes his chest and the adrenaline that has sustained him to this moment is wearing off and all that’s left is this awful sensation of drowning and knowing that, if the worst happens, there’s no way he’ll find anything to help him float.

For a highly trained CIA operative, he’s on the wrong side of ten seconds from letting his knees go out from under him when he spies him. Matt hates how he does that, always looks so cool and suave no matter what, and usually it’s a joke between them but Matt is very far from joking.

Joe Solomon stops in front of him, coffee cup in his hand. “You’re here.”

Later, he’ll think how reassuring this was. Even Joe wouldn’t be like this if anything truly awful had happened to her, but right now Matt’s just thinking of the encrypted text he got telling him that Cammie was in the hospital and to come stat.

“Where is she?” He demands. “What happened?”

Joe starts to walk in the direction he’s come from, beckoning for Matt to follow. The lack of an answer makes him incredibly nervous but he can’t bring himself to ask anything more. It takes thirty seconds, maybe less, to reach the room she’s in, but it stretches out and all that Matt can imagine is every fear of his coming true, and he knows it would kill him.

They stop outside her room, and seeing Cammie through the window, sleeping on the bed, is enough to make him want to weep. It’s been a few weeks since he’s seen his daughter, and missing her is an ache that never abates. He goes where he’s told, sometimes frequently, but it never gets easier. Her little face when he tells her goodbye cuts somewhere deep down inside of him and it’s a cut that never heals, even when he returns.

“Oh my God,” is all he says, pressing his fingers to the glass. All he wants to do is go in there and hold her and never let her go again, but he won’t. He’s grungy and emotional and Cam doesn’t need to see him like this. She needs to sleep, and he needs his answers.

“She’ll be fine,” Joe says. “She’s got a concussion and a massive lump on her head but they’re sure she’ll be okay. She threw up so they want her to stay in overnight.”

When Matt doesn’t say anything, Joe ventures, almost nervously, “I thought you’d want to know.”

“I did.” He takes a shaky breath. “You did the right thing. If I’d found about this when I was done…”

A quirk of the lips. “I know.”

“Where’s Rach?” Matt’s surprised she’s not here before him. “You called her, right?”

“You know I did. She’s just a little further afield than you were.”

He nods to accept it, but then feels another kind of fear. “You made sure it was nothing big? I swear if you’ve put her in danger, I’ll-”

The threat doesn’t need to be finished. Joe might be Blackthorne trained, he might be a better operative, but they both know that if anything happened to Rachel then there’s nothing that would stop Matt from striking him down.

“She’s fine. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“How could you know that for sure?”

Joe shrugs. “Someone owed me a favour.”

Joe has his ways. Matt knows some of them. Others he simply accepts. There are some things about his best friend he will never know.

It’s not often he and Rachel are away at the same time. Ever since Cammie was born they’ve really tried, but it’s the nature of the beast. The life they have chosen to lead means that, more often than not, they really don’t get a choice.

This is the first time they’ve both been away for an extended amount of time, however. Matt’s been gone for three weeks. Rachel two. An unfortunate coincidence that had left them scrambling for options until Abby, stuck on desk duty after an unfortunate run in with a Ukrainian farmer and his rifle, had volunteered to watch the squirt.

Which reminds him…

“Where’s Abby?” He asks. “And why are you even here?”

Joe’s his best friend, and Matt’s pretty sure he would die for Cam, but he’s not a kid person in general. He’s afraid of their size and their fragility and their tendency to get attached. If he can help it, he stays away. He says it’s better for everyone, because of who he was and what he is, and Matt isn’t inclined to disagree. He loves his friend, but he’s always going to love his daughter more.

“She’s in the cafeteria, calming herself down before you or Rachel got here. She got in some state earlier and freaked herself and Cammie out so she called me. Then I called you.”

“And your coffee?”

“Vending machine.” He jerks his thumb to the one next to Cammie’s door. “She hasn’t been alone for a second.”

No, she hasn’t been alone. He’s quite willing to believe that. What it’s not so easy to accept is the fact that his three-year-old has hurt herself so badly and ended up in hospital, and neither of her parents were here for it.

“We left her,” he whispers, because it’s so much guilt to keep inside, to himself. It threatens to consume him from the inside out. “She needed us and we weren’t here.”

Joe sighs, but it’s a compassionate sigh. It lets Matt know that at least his friend doesn’t think he’s a terrible person. “It’s the job. And it was a freak accident. Abby loves her, you know that. She’s the best. You really think if she couldn’t stop it then anyone could?”

“It’s not the point. Abby isn’t her parent.”

“No, but she loves like one. If you and Rachel couldn’t be there for her then Abby was the next best thing.”

Joe talks a lot of sense and Matt almost hates him for it. He feels like he’s aged ten years in the ten minutes he’s been here.

“What even happened anyway?” He asks, pinching the bridge of his nose, bracing himself for the response.

At that Joe smiles a little. “She tried to scale your wardrobe.”

“ _What?”_

Cam’s small for her age. She likes to creep around places and see what information she can pick up, but she’s not a daredevil. Her speciality is remaining invisible. She’s his little chameleon and he can’t believe he’s only been away for three weeks and it’s somehow changed.

“She made it as well. It was only getting down that proved an issue for her.”

“Let me guess,” Matt sighs, “she jumped onto the bed but bounced off and hit her head.”

Joe smiles. “Got it in one.” He turns back to the window, watching Cammie sleep. They don’t really know each other, and he couldn’t blame his friend if his face was indifferent, concerned only because of who her parents are. But it isn’t. Joe’s one of the best spies he has ever known, but even he can’t conceal entirely how he feels in this moment. It’s not an easy expression to decipher, but if Matt had to haphazardly guess, he might say it was love.

“That’s some kid you’ve got there,” Joe says quietly, something in his voice. And if Matt had to guess, he might say it was pride. “Takes after her parents.”

“It’s all Rachel. She’s the legacy. I’m just some kid who got lucky.”

“Don’t say that.” Joe’s voice is unexpectedly sharp. “You’re good. One of the best. Whatever Cammie is, she is because of you, too.”

Matt looks at him, wanting to explain but knowing he can’t. Joe and Rachel will never understand where he comes from, just as, he supposed, he can’t understand them. They’ve been training ever since they were born, this whole life is in their veins. They’re who they were always going to be. It’s different for him. He’s a kid from Nebraska who was good at a couple of key skills that got him noticed, and he stumbled into this life a little by accident. He’s good at it by chance. They’re good at it by blood.

“I hate being away from her,” he admits. “I love this job, but I hate leaving. I hate leaving them.”

“I could ask you why you stay, but I already know the answer.”

He blows a breath out through funnelled lips. “I guess I’m hoping that I can solve it all, so that by the time Cammie’s grown up she won’t have to do it. That I alone can personally rid the world of all its problems.”

Joe chuckles. “It’s a noble goal, but something tells me you could never stop Cammie from doing something she really wants to do.”

“And believe me I wouldn’t want to. It’s just…”

“Yeah,” Joe says, saving Matt from having to word something he really doesn’t know how to anyway. “I know.”

“It feels like yesterday that she was born, and now she’s three, and soon she’ll be all grown up and going off to Gallagher and leaving us behind.” He chuckles. “Leaving me behind.”

Joe shifts slightly beside him, transferring the coffee cup from one hand to the other. “So you’ll be sending her there? To the school?”

Matt shrugs. It’s a conversation he and Rachel have had before. They have years to make the decision, to see if it’s the best place for her, but it feels rather pointless. He knows in his bones that it’s where she belongs.

“She’s got all the signs, she’s scaling wardrobes.” At that they both laugh a little. “Rach went there and she was happy. Abby went there and she’s crazy.” They laugh again. “She deserves that sisterhood. We can’t not give her that just because _we’re_ scared.”

He’d give anything to make the world a better place and for Cammie not to choose the life that he has. But that would be for _him._ If this is what she wants then he’ll tell her everything she needs to know.

It’s a long few minutes, both of them just watching Cammie sleep, her deep breathing in and out. _She’s fine_ , he has to remind himself over and over, but his heart still beats wildly in his chest. Whenever he misses something that’s happened to her, that she’s done, he feels like the worst father in the world, but this time really takes the cake.

“I’m surprised they let you come,” Joe says eventually, interrupting the pity party in his head.

“I wasn’t really in the mood for them to let me do anything,” Matt says darkly, thinking of the thunderous look on the face of his team leader and the way they had called after him as he ran out the door.

“Will you have hell to pay for this?”

“Probably, but I wasn’t going to let them keep me from her.”

Joe quirks an eyebrow. “They didn’t even try?”

Matt laughs but it’s not it in a humorous way. It’s something raw and real and it only lasts a second but it’s definitely there. “Trust me, the only time I’ll be kept from Cammie is if I’m dead. A team of CIA all stars wasn’t going to cut it.”

There’s a moment of silence, and Matt uses it to gather courage. Then he takes a deep breath and turns to his friend: “Hey, Joe, if anything happens to me or-”

“I know.” He doesn’t look at his friend. “I will.”

“No.” Matt shakes his head. “I need you to say it.”

“If anything happens to you or Rachel, I promise I will look after your daughter. I promise I’ll protect Cammie.”

Joe’s eyes are sincere, his face intense, and Matt knows that he might feel insulted that it even had to be said but it just did. He needed to hear the words of the previously unspoken promise between them.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Matt says, “and I’ve thought about it, too. I know who you are and what you are but you’re also the best thing I’ve got. I trust you with her. You have to believe that. You need to trust yourself.”

“You’re the most glass half-full spy I’ve ever known, Matt,” Joe says.

“I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment,” he says, and he knows that he won’t get anything more from his friend about this. He got the promise he wanted. He won’t ask for anymore than that.

The guilt still clenches at his heart, though, and it hasn’t gotten any easier to breathe. He blows out a breath. “It’s just so different,” he says, before he even knows that he has.

“What do you mean?”

“This worry that I feel all the time. It’s so different for a kid. I’m used to worrying about Rachel and I can deal with it but this? This is just so different. Rachel is one thing. Cammie’s-”

“Something else?” Joe tries to supply.

Matt shakes his head, “Everything. I once thought Rachel was the person I loved most in my life. Then Cammie came along.”

Joe looks at him for a long time, that secretive smile on his face as though he knows something that others don’t. “You’re a good father,” he says at last.

“Really?” Matt runs a hand through his hair. “Right now I’m not feeling it.”

“Just trust me on this one.”

Joe is one of the best spies he knows, and he so badly wants to believe him, so he simply nods and says, “Alright. Just this once.”

He looks at Cammie, who is still sleeping soundly. “I should probably go and find Abby, let her know we aren’t gonna disown her or anything.” He looks to Joe. “Did she really freak out?”

“Oh yeah. Freaked out the paramedics as well.”

 _There were paramedics involved?_ But then Matt shakes his head, not wanting to go back into the hole he’s just managed to crawl out of. Instead he frowns. “That doesn’t sound like her.”

Abby doesn’t get freaked out. She’s fiery and feisty and is usually the one freaking other people out and enjoying it. In a crisis, she’s razor-focused and knows exactly what has to be done. She’s not scared easily.

Joe looks at him as if he’s stupid, which Matt is beginning to feel like he might be. “She thought she maimed Cammie.”

Abby is also known to be a drama queen. “Oh come on. I wouldn’t-”

Joe sighs. “Not you she was afraid of.”

He might not, but Rachel certainly would. As much as she loves her kid sister, she’ll still be a force to be reckoned with when she arrives, and as much as Matt might love his wife, it’s definitely not a conversation he’ll be wanting to witness.

“I’ll go and get her,” Joe says. “You stay with Cammie.”

Matt nods, inching closer to the glass window that separates him from his daughter. The desire to go in and hug her is overwhelming. He hopes Rachel gets here soon. She has a way of making him feel better just by being here. It’s only been three weeks but he’s missed her oh so much. Soon he’ll have his family back together again and the thought of it makes him giddy. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to let either of them go again.

Joe claps him on the shoulder and goes to walk away, tossing his empty coffee cup into the bin without even looking. Matt can just imagine the smug smile on his face. Even the rookiest move makes him happy sometimes.

“Hey, Joe.”

He turns around, that smile on his face just like Matt predicted. “Yeah?”

“Don’t wind her up.”

His smile only gets wider. “You’re not _my_ father.”

He winks, and then he is gone.

Matt turns back to the window and presses his hand to the glass. Cammie’s growing up right before his eyes and though it terrifies him, he can’t wait to see it. She’s going to be amazing; he can feel it in his bones.

 _But not too fast, kiddo,_ he thinks, chuckling a little to himself. _There’s no hurry. We’ve got all the time in the world._


End file.
